The Instruction Manual by Felicity Fox

The Instruction Manual

Please give the baby a 7oz bottle every four hours

There was I going to give Precious a little tipple to help with the teething.

@8:00; 12:00; 16:00 & 20:00

This child has a 24 hour clock. Either that or it’s the traffic report.

And add an extra half ounce to the bedtime bottle

Awwh ..wishful thinking that baby will sleep, bless.

In the morning, after baby has had its bottle, baby will have an hour playtime with nappy off…

Air their derrière, like I want a human sprinkler to shower my carpets.

Apply cream all over body before dressing

Whose body? This is exhausting and it’s only 9am. This rigmarole sounds like a nightmare episode from Supernanny, who by the way doesn’t have children and can close the door loudly behind her.

When do I put my makeup on, paint my nails and when will life stop orbiting round this eight pounder?

Baby will normally nap about 10ish. If crying, give baby its dummy and baby should sleep for an hour and no longer.

Well, you should have thought of that. Really, not my problem. Let sleeping dogs lie, the same goes for babies. If you want me to put a pretend nipple in baby’s mouth, disgusting as this idea is, I’ll happily stop your baby screeching, sorry communicating.

Change nappy every 3 or 4 hours roughly…

Not that I’m correcting you, but roughly, shouldn’t I be gentle with your bundle of joy, my nightmare.

Wettest half hour after feed

Isn’t that something to look forward to.

Bathtime 7pm: Lie with nappy off for half an hour

Shouldn’t I wait till baby is down? Oh, baby…

Cream to be applied all over again.

For the love of God, not again.

After last bottle, zip up in sleeping bag and cuddle for 10 minutes

Cuddle who? Time for a quickie?

Only took 5, never one to waste time.

Back to baby.

Zipped up, check.

Cuddle, check.

Rock a bye baby…dummy firmly stuck in mouth, restrained in straight jacket, GB Experience on, lights off, and put down, check.

Yes, that’s exactly how the day went. Perfect. To manual. Had a great day, thanks for asking. Precious has just been so precious.

“Did you enjoy your cocktails?”

No problem. Anytime. All you need to do is ask.

That’s nice, catching up with the girls were you?”

Great baby.

“Good for you.”

Baby’s had a good sleep…

Routine?

Like Clockwork…I’m sure baby will be fine, well, if you’re not on GMT.

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