“The Royal tummy was on full display in its svelte glory.”


Royal belly












Just 89 days from Georgie boy’s birth and how does she do it, the Daily Mail asks? Well, Rebecca English, I’m going to try to help you with your role as Royal Correspondent, writing for we commoners.

Firstly, in your opening, you pose the rhetorical question that Kate has provided us all with a definitive answer, by snapping back into shape. Would she, wouldn’t she regain her pre-baby shape?

Ms English, you may find this hard to understand, but is this really front page news and to put a royal on page 3, shame on you. I don’t mean to be rude, and it’s nothing against her for choosing to enter the circus, but really, whatever else has she to do?

With a nanny at home and her husband out of a job, having an extended paternity leave to assess his options while giving out an odd honour or two, there’s plenty of time for yoga. If only those “harassed mothers” as you call them could follow suit, but that’s perhaps stretching things.

Dedicating your prose to a midriff, you go on….

The Royal tummy in “all its svelte glory.”

Really Rebecca, “svelte glory” to describe a tummy? Oh, you make me laugh. “The Royal tummy was on full display in its svelte glory.” How did you even come up with that line? Let’s see, you have a picture of a tummy, a Royal tummy, google descriptive words, and up comes “svelte glory.” Or did you think that one up yourself? Even worse.

“As mothers marvelled”, admire perhaps but “marvelled”? I think you’re over stating again, at the “lithe” figure, in case readers had forgotten what’s been corresponded here; a tummy. The trials and tribulations of the royal dynasty hanging on to the svelte glory of a once commoner’s tummy.

“Wait, pass the ball Vanilla, I imagine her playing with a Vanilla or a Primrose,” I can do poetic license too. Reaching up, co-incidentally in five-inch wedges, as you do, when playing volleyball.

Just 89 days since the birth. She’s inferring 12 weeks to get back to her glory. The numbers, Rebecca, mean a very different thing for many, not counting the pounds in weight.

Statutory maternity, for example,  which pays women 90% of their average weekly earnings (before tax) for the first 6 weeks and £136.78 or 90% of their average weekly earnings (whichever is lower) for the next 33 weeks. On £136.78 pounds, isn’t it really amazing that J Brand Jeans are £145, the Ralph Lauren top’s £85, and a Smythe is £369, and the shoes recycled, of course, she’s such a commoner, are “a snip at £245”. So, that’s a mere “snip” of £844. It’s funny because six weeks of statutory maternity after the six first weeks is £820.68. No wonder, we have a deficit.

And if I pitied Rebecca’s article for clutching at straws to describe in 1000 words or more, a Royal glorified tummy,  as a Royal glorified Correspondent, her colleague Catherine Ostler got landed with the inner pages of the complete A is for aunties, I is for invite and f is for ‘Fruitcake.’


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