When you pick up the boys they will be in their uniform. They will look to you for the latest e-number, provide at your peril. I’m flying 40,000 above, toasting my second, dare. I say it, my third glass of champagne, or maybe cava, but its the same dream just another bottle.
On arrival back to the house, the Crescent, please ask P & R to remove their school uniform, place neatly, some clean, others in the wash basket, and change. They will try to scatter and run, a trail of destruction left for you, I’m sorry. They will, no doubt, ask if all the neighbours’ children can come round. Again, clink, clink, at your discretion.
They will repeat the phrase ‘Mum lets us’ over and over like whining dogs. This is not true. They lie. Your precious little grandchildren are liars. I know it may sound shocking, but it is always better to know what you’re taking on. I don’t let them in the woods, or the lane, or go to the shops, or run the streets. They will say I do. They will say Dad doesn’t let them, but Mum does. She doesn’t. They are trying to undermine me. They play on my love for them. Be warned, they will do this to you too.
Treat every word with caution. Careful questioning can usually trip them up and, if needs be, separate them. Divide and conquer usually works on their alibis.
As both are of the male species, feed every two-three hours. This usually addresses most of their needs, and throw in a compliment here or there. You know how this works…
At nighttime, the bloodsuckers really come out to play. They have many tricks to keep you from adult time and a chilled bottle safely nestled in the arms of the top shelf. DVDs, play stations, iPads, iPhones, TV, PSPs, all the devices bought as saviours to occupy them throughout the day, they are now the enemy. These are their weapons, hidden in numerous locations and dotted in pillowcases and mattresses. Go to the mattresses!
Remember don’t let love be a distraction. You’re up and at it again in just a few hours. Age is on their side. Don’t let love blind you. Don’t let those big eyes make you waver. You are being played. Use your first name and stay strong, Nonna, Nana, Granny, Gramma, words like these makes you weak. Good luck! Any problems, I unfortunately won’t have signal strength.
Cheers, and bottoms up!